NewsMax Health reports* that 1 in 3 people will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime. Although political persuasion generally has no effect what-so-ever on which individuals will develop cancer, research has surprisingly shown that individuals who identify as Liberal are far more likely to develop a certain type of cancer. What type you say? Cancer of the butt.
Hard to believe? Unfortunately it is sad, but 100 percent true. NewsMax health doctors theorize the reason for this odd phenomena is all the lying and falsehoods your average Liberal needs to internalize in order to blindly follow their Liberal ideology. Deep down they know what hogwash most of what they believe is, and internalizing all this bullshit is, apparently, extremely toxic to the body.
So why butt cancer and not some other kind of cancer? Clearly the reason is that Jesus believes punishing Liberals with butt cancer is poetic justice. Any cretinous Liberal who would deny their fellow citizens the freedom and liberty guaranteed by Conservatism deserves this righteous judgment from the All Mighty. Additionally, a link between consuming bullshit and butt cancer makes perfect sense, logically.
*Please note that while everything I wrote sounds (and probably is) true, NewsMax Health has NOT actually reported this, and zero doctors have ever said Liberals are more likely to get butt cancer. To my knowledge there is absolutely no scientific research that backs up this theory, but no doubt that if any were done, it could be easily validated.